if you build your million dollar playground in a swamp you have to expect so adverse effects from the fumes.  weird what the side effects seem to be…

arrogance and ignorance still are paired wonderfully together and Im not even a sommelier.

botox smugglers

- fred rogers

Before personal computers sat on every desktop, “Helvetica” meant little to most of society. Now, the typeface designed in 1957, is a packaged “System Font” on just about every personal computer around the globe.

Originally designed by Swiss type foundry Haas (and called Neue Haas Grotesk), Helvetica was created to compete in the Swiss type market against Akzidenz Grotesk, a leading Sans Serif typeface of the time.

Unless you’re a design geek, this is of little interest. But either way, you’ve seen Helvetica everywhere. From Target Dept. Stores to subway signage in major cities, wherever you go, you’re bound to run across it.

Amongst designers Helvetica has a love it or hate it quality. There is even a documentary about it. As well there should be. It’s an iconic, simplistic design that has crossed into the everyday of lives of, well, everyone.

The designer in me appreciates Helvetica, and while it has its time and place, I almost always gravitate toward one of the equally well designed alternatives, and there are many. These are well designed typefaces you will not find on the free font sites that have take over the web. They are typefaces created over years of refinement using great precision. Thought went into every stroke, every curve, every ascender and descender. The negative space is equally as important to the type as the letters themselves. Helvetica uses the same precision, but I look elsewhere.

Here are a few of my favorite alternatives to Helvetica. There are of course, more than this, but these are a few of my favorites. Each has its own “voice” and potential uses. I’m not anti-helvetica, however there are many options I’d explore first.

Gotham: Designed by Tobias Frere-Jones in 2000, and originally comissioned by GQ Magazine, Gotham was inspired by mid-twentieth century architecture signage. Most recently Gotham was used on Shepard Fairey’s iconic Obama Campaign Posters.

Frutiger: Designed by Adrian Frutiger in 1968 and commisioned by the Charles De Gaulle International Airport in France for a direction sign system.

Futura: Designed by Paul Renner and released in 1927, Futura is based off the geometric shapes and elements of the Bauhaus design style.

Franklin Gothic: Designed by Morris Fuller Benton in 1902. Benton also designed News Gothic, another of my favorites which I left off this list, as well as over 200 other faces. Gothic is an old term designating a “Sans-serif” typeface.

Gill Sans: Designed by Eric Gill in 1927, Gill Sans, like Helvetica is distributed as a system font in Mac OS X and is bundled in some versions of Microsoft products. Gill Sans was designed for London and North Eastern Railway’s posters and publicity material.

Interstate: This is one of my favorites. Designed by Tobias Frere-Jones between 1993 and 1999 and based on an alphabet drawn for the US Highway Administration in the 40s.

Akzidenz Grotesk: Released by H. Berthold AG type foundry in 1896, Akzidenz Grotesk heavily influenced the design of Neue Haas Grotesk, later called Helvetica. Often confused for Helvetica, Akzidenz Grotesk has many subtle differences, including a lower x-height (distance from the baseline to the top of the lowercase x). Contemporary versions of Akzidenz Grotesk have numerous variations.

Univers: Another designed by Adrian Frutiger, Univers came before Frutiger, designed in 1954. In 1997 Frutiger reworked the whole Univers family in cooperation with Linotype, creating Linotype Univers, a family which consists of 63 fonts.

Meta (sans): Designed by Erik Spiekermann in 1984 and commissioned by the German Federal Post, Meta was designed to be a readable sans serif at small point sizes.

-d.b. cooper

Only in newyork… if you were hearing this in real time that statement would be said with a gravely cigarette bowling alley voice from a woman below 5 foot in height and dressed in some wrinkled gin scented pants suit wrinkled from sleeping under her desk or in the back of a cab the previous night. Cue Cindy Adams.

If you saw this chronic display of the decline of western civilization last night you know what I am talking about, a poorly put together ruse to make these fake socialites seem real. Real celebrities and socialites get lambasted by Cindy Adams, Rush & Molly, Page Six in the post etc… creating a fake story to promote you halfshow, developing fodder to span the whole season, please, this is a ruse and I call shenanigans. I defy anyone to prove me wrong, we all know this is a big love in, Simon is the gay stable hand to this den of black widow lesbians who have long since devoured their wealthy husbands and feed on gin, cranberry juice and the life force of a shitty gay man for sustenance.

The who’s whats and whys can be read about after I let the Gawker jump it off.

But please enough with the fake fighting, this has got to be the last season of this drivel. Of all the people, why couldn’t it be some of these “socialites’ who had invested with Bernie Madoff? The Former Real Housewives of NYC Celebrity Glory Hole, $5, cheap prices for Manhattan, but this would be in Jersey. I would pay to see that show.

http://gawker.com/5155708/real-housewives-of-new-york-bury-my-heart-in-east-hampton

eed

the dumb whores of somewhere

If you do not know this show, this series of cultural embarrassments known as The Real Housewives of (enter city name of your choice that is awash with wealthy men who marry not smart whores and consent to put them on the TV) is my nemesis in TV land. This is of course until Breaking Bad comes back on… Any way until then Ill catch one of the 150 screenings of this hour long drivel each week and come back here to vent my frustration at not being able to ruin my wife’s viewing experience. Incase you need a refresher click this.

-chief smak-a-ho

Thanks Assholes

This is exactly why I will not buy another new car, regardless of make model or country of origin until they make something that will run on dogshit, soiled diapers, or bong resin.

certainly not people today.

For the most part, I dont think that people these days, for the most part, give a rat fuck about the person standing next to them, living across the street or around the world. Granted some hippies do their service for the greater good of being a hippie for a certain time in their life, but they always sell out eventually. We all do. You have to in order to survive in society. Are things better in other places, are people happier doing other things? The Bowie song that I stole the title from (Life on Mars) wouldn’t apply today other than some asshole creating a metaphor for doing drugs or starting a death cult based on Ziggy Stardust. Bowie might have been coked out of his fucking face when he did Hunky Dory, but he had the pulse of the world flowing through his fingers, the nowhere shitty times of the early 1970′s, the year of my birth. Vietnam and heroin, recession and violence. Pork chop side burns and polyester bell bottoms. I would want to escape to Mars too, chop me out a fat one Ziggy, lets do this.

I know a weed dealer named Kawanza…

The only time these days that people pretend to give a shit is right now,” the Holidays”, not Christmas mind you. Because that is for Christians, asshole. Jesus Christ being the one true lord and savior of white people makes no matter. Kids get to learn about Hanakkah, fine – its religious and has a historical context based on real events, but shit like Kawanza? All I have to say is nigga please, I know a weed dealer named Kawanza…

Sorry Ziggy.

Happy Holidays, I know you don’t give a shit about me, but I am required by law and white guilt to give a shit about you. Everyone has to be special, be from somewhere else, identify with something that makes them “special” and different from the rest of us. No one these days gives two shits at Christmas or any other time whether there is life on Mars, we are all on our own planets. Ziggy we let you down.

The point is people don’t care if things are better other places, different or exciting. They could give a shit less about the world outside their bubble. Anything I see to the contrary, I don’t believe. There is a word for this, apply it to me, what the fuck do I care, Im jaded. But maybe there is hope. I go back to the theme of this, the purpose, “where the kids at?” they are all sitting on my lap every night watching christmas, not holiday, christmas shows that instill belief in them. I have never understood the phrase “they stood there wide eyed…” until this year. Maybe there is hope that whatever the hell happened to all of us wont happen to them, if we give a shit where they are and what they are doing. If we take the time to keep them wide-eyed and wondering, believing in shit, people, christmas, jesus, santa claus what ever… it is up to us I suppose as parent to give a shit that they aren’t jaded and selfish and fucking spoiled. Do you job, raise you kids, teach them, shape the way they learn life’s lessons, but don’t ruin their belief in something better for everyone at least one day a year, or if your a jew 7 days. Fuck Kawanza, thats nothin but sticks, stems and seeds.

-david jones

I find it strange sometimes that I take my parenting advice from Boys in the Hood or rap lyrics, but I think it applies to a certain facet of my life and raising my children. My oldest daughter does not belong to me, I am her step father. The distinction between the “Dad” and the “Father” of a child is a gray area that I choose to apply my own definition. Simply, when it is time for fun and games, time to fuck off and enjoy yourself as a kid, you do this with your Dad. Carefree, no responsibilities, you get Dad, play dad, not thinking about paying the bills or paying insurance or buying diapers and paying for college dad, daddy, whatever the term this is the person who get the fun times. The other guy, your “Father” is the guy who handles shit, bears the brunt of the world so you don’t have to, pays the bills, fights scratches and bleeds (mostly on the inside) for you as a kid to live in a better place and be provided for, or spoiled in some cases. With out me, this child would have no “Father”, she would have a daddy that likes to play and have fun, but dumps her off when its time to be a “big boy”, an adult… a stern look and firm hand go a long way with children. (To be clear I do not imply punishment or spanking when referring to a “firm hand”) They tell the child that there is a line that does not need to be tested, from this they learn discipline, respect and how to behave. This take a Father, Daddy cant do this, most don’t want to, I know that unfortunately hers does not.

Seeing my wife as first a single parent was eye opening to say the least. With one parent, there is no balance, you cant play good cop bad cop. I watched her do everything for this child to the point of giving up your life, your time, your career, your financial stability to ensure the child feels no effects and knows nothing of the struggle you face in doing it alone. The kids never know and will never know that daddy wasn’t around for shit, no dinners, birthdays, first steps, first words. The child will never know or understand that my mom’s boyfriend sat with us at the hospital when they were sick, or went out for prescriptions at 3am because daddy had was at the bar and wouldn’t do it… Daddy only gets fun time and for good reason, daddy lacks the conviction to be a Father. For the most part being a step parent is unrewarding, I say this because when it comes down to it, the let down of doing all the things we do and not being rewarded with the “daddy” time, the unconditional loving and blind trust just sucks, its like being shit on literally.  Whatever, I know that if I have to, Ill get shit on everyday for the well being of my daughter down the road, daddy… not so much. If he does get shit on, he will, with out a doubt, blame it on the mother.

So, on election day, when she says, “my dad says we have to vote for (insert candidate name) today” don’t be surprised, don’t tell her that “of course he would think that, he is a child” or that he has never voted in an election in his life, or that he is in a different tax bracket because he doesn’t take responsibility for his child and lives better then we do. Don’t bother, step under the shit sprayer, get in your used car with a broken door handle drive to work and shut your fucking mouth. I did, and felt better knowing that when it is time for grown folks to talk and make decisions that matter, this child is taken care of and maybe those decisions I make will let her feel safe, and if there is any justice in the world, allow her grow up in a better place than we did.

- F. Styles

So, hello world. “where the kids at?” will start this way, as a self indulgent blog site for mine and my wife rantings about 3 kids in a SITCOM (single income three children or more) situation. We will make you shit your pants with stories of our life and experiences and those of our completely insane children. Along the way we will introduce to a host of characters that you will insists we are inventing, for example the neighbor who buys her sons barbies and hear about his repeated break ins to our house to steal barbie clothes and accessories while his 3 year old mute brother kills family pets. You may be saying why dont they move from that trailer park, but alas we live above our means in middle class America and quite frankly our neighbors wouldnt last one night in a trailer park.

“So sit back, relax while my squad smokes crack…”

I will contuinue to post daily and if I can remind my wife that before she became the Minister of Domestic Affairs, she knew how to type and could form thoughts that didnt involved the words poop, potty, goddammit, or “get your asses in this house.” If I can convince her that a permanent record of the funny/weird/fucking irritating behavior of our kids, neighbors, and relatives is the best way to get back at them, you will be treated to her literary brilliance as well… up until the point I get the recording studio up and running.

Yes to all of you who have been waiting, the podcast is coming -  I say fuck it, Im doing it, finally. Ill pump a two-three beers in the better half and turn on the mics, guaranteed gold every time. We have been doing this for months, plotting, talking, judging, silently. But no more. If all goes well we will lose half our listeners in the first episode, gotta have goals.

“I’m gonna let ‘em know that Dolemite is my name, and fuckin’ up motha fuckas is my game”

So if you dont know who we are, this probably isnt going to help too much. We are two normal middle class parents of three beautiful blessings from the Lord God Jesus Christ who bestowed his blessing upon everyone, Christian. Actually we are to slightly irreverant jackasses with no free time that isnt spent in our home after children are asleep. If you are one of these parents who dumps your kids anywhere to get out and have fun and enjoy yourself, we hate you and will ridicule you incessantly. If you are single and have no responsibilities, we will be talking about your kind also. Our podcast will be like “Mean Girls” just more like the alcoholic Lindsay Lohan version.

I am a former professional athlete, have traveled the world, done many things to many people, women midgets and minorities that I should probably be ashamed of, but alas I am not and to the delight of my wife we will discuss various ways that I have or have not learned lessons and how it relates to the raising of our three kids, unedited of course. My wife was formerly a high ranking employee of the catholic diocese where we live, actually it was more like a “No pedophile left behind” safe house and her confidentiality agreement just expired. That show will be called “Fuck the Pope” or “Altar boys season the chili supper”. My exact opposite, the wife spent her whole life until exactly one year ago in the same Midwestern town and is now getting her first taste of the idiocy of middle America, i.e. she hates our neighbors.

With all that said and my bos calling my desk phone right now, I have to open up some spreadsheets to look like I am earning my money. More blog posts coming when people we know fuck up, side note, family wedding this weekend = cheating wives, fist fights, my grandpa shitting his pants at the reception and general jovial mayhem that I will tell you all about real soon.

-frank zappa